Living Inside a Broken Body

From the outside I look like a normal 30 something woman with a career, great friends and family and a good life. My inside does not tell the same story.

I was a relatively normal heathy girl growing up. Bump and bruises were a given based on my obsession with being equal to my two brothers. Tomboy is an understatement.

A few years ago, that would change when I got news that changed my life. Completely.

I was diagnosed with psoriasis, a GENETIC immune disorder that really stems from an overative immune system. My dad was the carrier and I was the receipient. Basically, my immune system attacks my healthy skin cells like it's an infection so instead of taking weeks for new skin to regenerate, it happens in days. So I went from having this gorgeous skin to having quarter size patches on my legs and back. And it really hit hard on my scalp and forehead. This was devastating. To my Ego. I was so embarrassed and went into a depression. All my life, my legs have been my "thing" and now I didn't even want to wear shorts or capris and I didn't for many years. About 3 years later, and two doctors later, I was able to get on a good drug regimen and my psoriasis was "under control". This would not last long.

I started having some shoulder and wrist pains and after numerous incorrect diagnosis (including me wearing a wrist brace for 8 weeks), I found out that I had developed the arthritits that comes with the psoriasis. It's called psoriatic arthritis (PsA). It's very similar to rheumatoid arthritis except the cause of mine is my psoriasis. This caused a lot of pain throughout my body. Constant, chronic pain. Pain that would keep me in bed for hours. The doctor put me on a biologic which had to be infused in me through an IV, once every two months for 4 hours. and prescribed a weekly dose of steroids. He also offered a anti-depressant because he said patients with chronic pain tend to have a higher chance of dealing with depression. I laughed it off and thought he was nuts.

I discovered that what the doctor said was true about the depression. A few days later when I was alone and taking everything in, I started crying. I cried for about two days and then I told myself that this was real. It happened and now I have to survive it.

Immune disorders are not uncommon but they are so misunderstood. You can't see my pain so it's easy to dismiss but it's real. I know. There were and have been days when I am in so much pain, I can't move. Or days when I feel so fatigue that even after an 8 hour sleep, I'm still tired. And there a lot of days when my hands are so swollen that I can't hold my hairbrush. I don't cry or yell, I just move on.

A side effect of the weak immune system is the constant flow of sickness. A common cold turns into the flu or pneumonia for me quickly. I'm slowly learning to accept this and be more proactive in my health. Lesson #1.

It's a constant struggle because I want to be who I was when I know that I'm not. I don't want pity or sympathy, just a little understanding. That even if you can't see someone's sickness, don't belittle it or think that what we feel isn't real. It is. Just be there. Don't try to fix it or us because there isn't one. Just be there. That's all we want.

My family and friends have been supportive and often ask me how I do it? I laugh because what other option is there? I tell them that as angry as I was when I was diagnosed, I'm thankful that it's not worse and that there are drugs to treat it. I don't enjoy my weekly shots or the impact that those shots have on my body but I know that I'm better off than so many other people. And for that I am grateful....everyday. Lesson #2.

What 30 something ME would be SCREAMING at my 20 something ME

Just Do It Already.......(and listen to your elders, they know a thing or two)

It just seems like yesterday that I was that 17 yo graduating from high school with the "world ahead of me". How time has FLOWN by and as I look at my life, I'm thankful for my many blessings and wonder how different my life would have been if I had known then what I know now so I'm penning this to my past ME from my present ME.

ACCEPT YOU
Don't let society tell you who and what you should be.
You spent a lot of time unimpressed with being Chinese because this place called America did not welcome you and your family like in the movies. Nope, you endured plenty of racism and stereotyping along with a lot of bullying but never lose sight of the beauty of your culture. How many times can you hear "ching chong" before it gets annoying (the answer is ONCE)? And all those slainted eye jokes, ignore them - those eyes in the future will be what guys say is the most beautiful thing about you. Learn to read and speak (better) Chinese. It will be harder to try when you are 30. Embrace this amazing gift of heritage, learn it, teach it....but mostly love it.

JUST DO IT
Instead of figuring out all the reasons why you don't want to do something, just do it already.
Like school, instead of working your butt off in retail management with all them crazy hours for 10 years, go back to school so you can sit behind a desk and use your BRAIN, have weekends off, and make MORE money. Stop partying so much, take better care of yourself and save some money. These 3 things go hand in hand. There is no reason for partying 5-6 days out of the week nor does it make any sense to stay out until 8 am when you have to be at work at 9 am. NONE. If you stopped partying so much, you could take better care of yourself. True story. And if you stopped partying so much and took better care of yourself, you could save some money. Moving on....

BE OPEN
But SMART.
Learn to not let your past dictate your present or future. Love like it's the 1st time but don't be blinded. Not everyone that you meet has to be a friend for life nor will they be, you will get hurt, you will face betrayal, you will cry, but you will pick yourself up, learn and be a better person for it. Believe me, you will. And whatever you do, DO NOT leave a great guy heartbroken - that you will not be able to repair and you will regret it. Forever. Trust people until they give you a reason not too and not vice versa. And accept people for who they are and what they have experienced. A person who has never had a good friend will not know how to be a good friend. Be patient and love them anyway.

TEACH OTHERS
Every moment by your words and actions.
Don't preach what you won't teach. We can say anything but our actions speak louder than our words. If someone is a friend, be a friend. If someone needs help, be there. If someone asks you for the truth, be their truth. Don't waste so much time being who you think everyone wants you to be, when who you are is already enough. Be true to you and the true you is really great.

LOVE GOD
And Yourself.
And your life will be amazing. Don't just say it, mean it. Let HIM live through you and your actions. And go to church when you can, it will give you a calmness like no other.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
Stop being so hard on yourself.
You aren't perfect, you will make mistakes - plenty of them - learn and grow. You wasted a lot of time blaming yourself for things that have nothing to do with you. LET IT GO. Hold yourself to a higher standard but not so high that it's unreachable.

There are a zillion things that I could share with the past ME but these are the things that have meant so much to me. That really changed me.

What would you share with your past self?

The Best New Year's Resolutions are Ones That Aren't Made

At the start of each year, millions of people make "NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS" which are described as commitments of change. If this is the case, then why are we making the same ones every year? If we are so committed to change, shouldn't each year be met with new and different resolutions?

I've never been one to make resolutions because I know myself well enough to know that they don't work....for me. Instead each year I vow to be the best version of myself that I can and to honor my faith by Loving God, Loving Myself and Loving Others. That is enough.

2014 will be a year of committed change for me not because I want to fit into a size 6 or so I'll look phenomenal for my summer cruise with my girls but so that my life will be better. And my commitments will be realistic - things that I can and will be able to do. 

Things I have to commit to change for a better life:

1. Eat better and healthier - doesn't everyone say this? My goal is cut down on refined sugars, drink less (way less) Coke Zero, eat more complex carbs and cut down on processed foods. I will not punish myself when I falter (because I will) but I will praise myself for all my little wins.
2. Exercise - and yes we all say this because from January-March of each year, the gym I go to is packed! I will commit myself to exercise as often as I can and not measure it by how much I do but how well I do it. This includes walking and working out at home when I can't get to the gym.  The last part will be my REAL goal because working out at home has been hard to do.
3. Focus more on me and less on others - this is for salvation and sanity. I find myself constantly stressing out about other people's problems. NO MORE. Stress is a real killer and I will not let it continue to make me sick (physically) or mentally.
4. STOP OVERTHINKING all the time - this is a serious problem. And I vow to work on relaxing more. And enjoying the little and big things. Exploring and re-exploring life's beauty.
5. Learn to love with my heart and not my mind - we all do this...when we factor in non-essential things in our relationships. My vow is to be open. To everything and everyone.
6. Embrace change. If you are like me, you hate any type of change. I want to embrace change and not see it always as a negative thing.

There are a ton of other things that I can think of but these are 6 things that I am willing to commit to change beginning now until infinity.

People always say life is short but in reality, it's the longest journey each of us will be on so instead of trying to do quick fixes, let's focus on ones that last a lifetime....our lifetime.

So what are your resolutions or changes going to be for 2014?

Gimme All Your Money.....

I'm going to start off my first week of blogging writing about finances, relationships, religion, and other things that I THINK I know so much about (in reality, I only know about finances).

5 Financial Tips

1. SAVE
I read all the time about how important it is to save - and it's true. How much you should save really depends on the income of each individual household. "Experts" always say 10-20% or 6 months of rent/mortgage payments and for most of us, that isn't realistic. Saving shouldn't be a chore, it should be a habit. And there isn't a right or wrong way to save. My saving technique isn't the best, but it works for me. I always "forget" to put money aside when I get paid so I do quarterly or bi-annual payments. And I put aside 3 months or 6 months worth of money depending on how I "pay" myself. It's also important to put the savings somewhere that you aren't able to access easily (so that means not under your mattress). Once you get in the habit of saving, it becomes easier and when emergencies come up, you won't have to worry yourself about where you will get the money, it will be there. (It's also a great way to teach kids how to save for big ticket items that they want)

2. JUST SAY NO
This two letter word is the hardest thing to say.......to yourself and your family. As a society, we believe in instant gratification - we want it and we want it now. More than half of what we purchase are wants and not needs and that is the biggest mistake we make as consumers. Before making a purchase, decide if the item(s) are a want or need and give yourself a limit on how many wants per month you and your family can indulge in. At the end of the first month, you will realize how much stuff you can actually live without!

3. BUDGET
Run.......if the government can't come up with one, how can I? Budgets are so easy to create, the trick is following them. Be smart. Don't give yourself anything too unreasonable or else you will fail and then give up. Start by tracking your expenses for a month - everything you and your family spend on bills, groceries, going out, shopping, etc. Then start looking at cutting down on certain things - going out, shopping, activities each month. Focus on necessities and not wants (yes, here we go again with the JUST SAY NO). The biggest mistake is people go from 0 to 100 and that isn't reasonable. You can't go from spending $2,000 a month to trying to cut that in half. Do it little by little so it doesn't hurt as much.  After 6 months of cutting back a little each month, you will get a better idea of how to budget for your household. I also recommend using a budget tracking sheet - I use this free one from microsoft:
 http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/templates/personal-monthly-budget-planning-TC001023341.aspx

4. CREDIT MATTERS
I learned this the hard way. You need GOOD credit so use it wisely. There are different kinds of things that affect your credit score so keep that in mind when making decisions on whether to apply for a credit card. The main players in establishing good credit are (1) major credit cards like Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover -NOT debit cards (contrary to what people say, debit cards used as "charge" do not impact your credit) (2) loans - school, car, home, personal - all of these affect your credit so paying on time is extremely important (3) property ownership. 

When it comes to credit cards, it's important to not max out the card and also to pay more than the minimum. People often spend more thatn 80% of their total limit and then pay the minimum. Your credit score factors in how much credit you have as well as how much is available. So if you have $200 and spend $200 and pay the minimum $20, you really don't have a lot of credit available. It's important to pay your credit cards and loans on time. These are major factors in your credit score. And please STOP applying for all those credit cards to get 15-20% off, because there is still a soft inquiry and those add up. Hard inquiries - major credit cards, loans do affect your credit so if you know your credit isn't good, don't keep applying, it only drops your credit score. My best advice is to get a credit card (secured or unsecured) and use it for groceries or dining out and pay those off each month. That will help build your credit. Over time, once you have paid it consistently, you can get an increase on the limit and that will help open the doors to better credit. I know, that's what I did and it works.

Also, make sure if you to pay any type of loan on time. This can truly affect your credit worthiness especially car payments. Those are reported immediately on your credit when you are late. Make sure to pay your rent on time too, this affects your credit as well as your ability to lease or rent again.

5. STOP TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES 
Be realistic about what you can afford. I often see women and men making less than me driving luxury cars, dressed in name brand clothes and shoes, with the newest gadgets and phones and I wonder how can this be? Then I find out that they are living at home with their parents or on some type of government assistance. Get a life and be independent. Being adult is when you rely on yourself and not your parents or anyone else to help foot YOUR bills. So stop buying all the latest Jordans or getting your hair and nails done every week when you are are struggling to pay your rent or bills. No one cares if you have the iPhone or what kind of car you drive - and if they do, then you don't need them. 


Financial education is so important but it's not taught in schools and this explains why so many young adults have a hard time transitioning to being on their own. I hear young kids say how they just want to get their own place without realizing all the pressures that come with it - like paying rent, bills, food, and gas.  It's important to be financially responsible especially if you have kids so that they have a fighting chance. Times have changed - when I was growing up, parents saved for their kids' education but now that is a lost ideal - the majority of people I know with kids haven't saved one cent for their kids' education because they are too busy living in the now. Now is great but we have to also factor in Later.

  

Through my eyes.....

This is my therapy.
My goal is to write about things I know, things I like and to provide my opinion on what is happening in the world. PERIOD.

I love Facebook but it became too political, too drama filled, and just plain crazy. And from what I've seen on MTV's show Catfish, a very strange sort of dating site??

This will be a hodge podge of a blog, similar to me. It will be random and jump from topic to topic (because I have been diagnosed with ADHD by all my friends- of which none are actual doctors.) It will include my take on politics, human welfare, racism, prejudicism, the economy, a bunch of unimportant topics like SHOPPING, make up, cool iPhone apps, and of course sports - mainly football.

I hope you enjoy it and get a lot of laughs and maybe an A-HA moment (not the 80s group)....

Welcome to my world.....beware of the Crasian!